Strago,
Every time I go to buy some condoms I lose my nerve because of the automated guns in the shops. I have no problem with the guns when I am buying anything else. Does this happen to other people? Where can I get condoms elsewhere?
-Distressed Baby Batter Bearer
Distressed Baby Batter Bearer,
Fear of guns when buying condoms is believed to be caused by a genetic defect. Individuals with normal genes find it very difficult or impossible to refuse a request to marry someone when a gun is pointed at their face. When the gene is defective, individuals have an irrational fear of guns when they are exposed to anything that they perceive to help them avoid having to marry someone with a gun pointed at their face.
You can acquire condoms by using one of the several discreet delivery services that are available throughout the gaming universe. Your neighbors will know that the black foil covering your delivery of condoms means it is something naughty, but they will not know its exact contents. If that is not an acceptable solution you can also get your partner to buy the condoms or get some from random encounters.
Most humanoid enemies will carry condoms which can be stolen from them while you are fighting. Many will also drop condoms as rewards after the battle. Please be aware that dropped condoms may have already been used. I recommend using a twig or small piece of shrub to examine any dropped condoms for signs of usage before picking them up. Signs of usage include an unnaturally heavier weight than normal, obvious tearing or stretching, the presence of any foreign objects or substances that obviously don't belong, and groups of adolescent males pointing at the condom and laughing.
-Strago
Strago,
I read in one of your earlier columns about how materia were once used anally for sexual stimulation. Does this still happen today? Do you have any recommendations for which materia I could use?
-Potential Orifice Explorer
Potential Orifice Explorer,
The practice of using materia stimulants, or "plugging," still exists today and is more robust than ever. All modern materia are capable of being used in any of your orifices but there are some guidelines that will prevent new pluggers from making potentially painful mistakes.
-Always clean your materia before use to eliminate germs and prevent infections. Use warm, soapy water and dry with a clean towel. If you handle a materia that you have not cleaned make sure to not touch your face or any of your other exposed membranes before thoroughly washing your hands.
-If it doesn't fit, abort. Materia are designed to be used without lubrication. If you find yourself unable to fit a materia in a certain orifice stop immediately. Huge materia are not for beginners and there are many experienced pluggers who are still unable to use them safely. A round peg will not safely fit in a smaller, round hole.
-Avoid using any attack materia until you are an experienced plugger. These materia have various effects depending on which orifice they are placed in which can be dangerous to the ignorant and unprepared. Following this guideline can avoid an embarrassing and expensive trip to the emergency room.
-Never, ever, use summon materia in the anus. Just don't do it. The GameTube videos are fake. It is never safe.
So with all these materia to avoid what are some good recommendations for a beginning plugger? The safe bet for any orifice are lower-level healing and status-removing materia. These materia can be used in safe combinations with one another and with the all materia for a more pronounced sensation. Materia I would recommend for anal stimulation include barrier, sense, manipulate, and luck plus materia. If you are feeling more adventuresome you could also try the deathblow materia for surprisingly pleasing results. If you are feeling supremely confident in your anal materia usage the comet materia is a staple for most high-level pluggers. There is also the somewhat infamous chocobo lure materia which should only be used in experienced groups. Happy plugging!
-Strago
Strago,
I have a loyal, four-legged companion named "Fangelo" who is constantly by my side protecting me. I was bending over to pick up a Timber Maniacs issue when Fangelo mounted me from behind. Is this wrong? Is this even legal?
-Animal She-Husbandree
Animal She-Husbandree,
The legality of what you have described depends on where you live. There are generally no laws governing such activities in the major districts but there may be some local ordinances you need to familiarize yourself with. A general rule of thumb is that if your four-legged companion is possessed with a preternatural intelligence then they are able to consent to these types of activities.
As for the moral issue, whatever wets your whistle, so to speak. I would recommend that if there are no legal complications and you wish to continue exploring this new dimension of your relationship with Fangelo that you make sure he is free of lice, fleas, and ticks and has taken his worm medication.
-Strago
No matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you.
