HYRULE - Link of Hyrule has been found guilty of fairy manslaughter by the Fairy Council of the Lost Woods. He has been sentenced to death by "Nik Nik," an ancient method of execution believed to be performed only by fairies. Link's lawyer, She-Error the VII, has submitted a formal appeal and request for arbitration to the Gaming Unified Federation.
Things started off so well...
"The conviction of my client using flawed, baseless logic is a violation of the most fundamental principles of Hylian justice. The Hylian leadership has bowed to partisan hatemongers and have allowed my client to become a public sacrifice in an apparent attempt to salve over adverse diplomatic relations," She-Error the VII told the media. "My client has been subjected to the authority of what amounts to nothing more than a biased, tribal conclave that seeks only the appeasement of a demagogue-inspired blood-mob," she said.
Moo! Find your hearts little fairies! Find your hearts! Moo!
Nik Nik is the Faerian name for an execution method that involves the rending of all flesh from an immobilized victim. The flesh is bitten off and discarded by a large number of fairies who have encircled the victim. Nik Nik was most famously described by the famed Hylian explorer Maloon Maroon, who detailed an account of a Hylian cow that was stripped of all flesh in less than two minutes by Nik Nik.
The mistaken belief that fairies performing Nik Nik eat the flesh of the victim is a recurring theme in Hylian folklore and legends.
The Organization for the Rights of Hylia, Goron, and More has condemned the verdict as barbaric and antiquated. "The use of Nik Nik is a relic from a time best left in the past. When differing cultures come in conflict with one another it is important that the rights and protections of the individual not be trampled because of political maneuverings," ORHGM representative Meddiggo said.
The evidence against Link surfaced during an independent inquiry overseen by the wizard Agahnim. Agahnim was appointed by Hylian Imperial Adviser Ganondorf in response to alleged improprieties committed by Link during his many quests to save Hyrule. Reports submitted by Agahnim detail eyewitness accounts of several fairies suffocating in Link's bottles due to inadequate ventilation. One statement read, "he shook the bottles to see if they were still alive and he just dumped the dead ones on the ground. The ones that were still living were bloodied from hitting the sides of the bottles. Some of them were stunned from being smashed around and were unable to restore his hearts. He would get furious and squeeze them and cuss at them demanding life. You could hear their little bones being crushed as they made these high-pitched squeals of pain. It was the most sickening thing I have ever seen."
Link's defense has never challenged the validity of the charges but have argued that Link is exempt from prosecution based on the concept of, pus in jello, claiming Link's actions were protected by law. "Quests to save Hyrule are wars against the evil forces of destruction and provide guaranteed protections to individuals who valiantly take up arms to protect the good people of the land. Link needs his bottles to save Hyrule, the caps need to be airtight so Link can keep his valuable potions fresh until he needs them. The amount of stress upon such an individual is immense and unprecedented," She-Error the VII said.
Jeannie, come out to play-ay!
