UPDATE - Wookiee Royal Council functionary Snomapia has provided the following statement regarding accusations that the Kashyyyk Defense Force delayed starting the investigation due to the identity of the victim, Jar Jar Binks. "Waaahhh raaaugh guuuuuu maaaaa rooooo [We had several nomenclature issues that needed to be resolved]. Raurgh roo mauu uhhhhh grawwww ummmaaa hauuuuggggg [Galactic Law classifies assassinations and homicides differently and require a different set of protocols to be used]. Wauuuuuuuuuggghhhhh rooooooooooo muwwwaaaaaaa roooooooo [Jar Jar Binks did not initially appear to meet the requirements for an assassinated individual due to importance and desirability requirements]. Grrrraaaaaa yoooooooo grrrraawww uhhhhhh [The issue was resolved when it was decided that notability, not popularity, would be used for classification]. Kabukk uummmmmmmm raughhhhhhh woooooooo grawwwwwwww [The Wookiee Royal Council are fully committed to resolving this matter to the best of our abilities and have dedicated all available resources towards a resolution]," Snomapia stated.
KASHYYYK - Naboo resident Jar Jar Binks has been killed by an assassin on the planet Kashyyyk. At approximately 8:47 Kashyyyk time, blaster fire from an unidentified assailant struck Jar Jar Binks in the head, killing him instantly. Jar Jar was working with Jedi authorities in the area of Korrokrrayyo Mountain when the attack occurred.
The Kashyyyk Defense Force have suspended all interstellar and orbital travel while investigations continue. "Ruuuuu wargh gaakkkkkk rooooooo [Travel to and from the planet Kashyyyk has been temporarily suspended to verify the authentication of all ships in the vicinity]. Uuuurrraaaggh roooo wauuuuu bakkkkkkkk [We are currently checking passenger logs and collecting statements for our investigations]. Traaaaaakk woooooooo rooooooooo raughhh [We will allow ships to leave Kashyyyk orbit as soon as it is possible]," reported Kashyyyk Defense Force spokesman Tarbeca. Robo Press sources have indicated that the investigation was delayed by Wookiee Royal Council authorities due to jurisdictional confusion involving the identity of the victim.
Purported security drone recordings of the assassination were uploaded to the Gaming Wide Web within minutes of the attack by a user known as Pandemonyous. A message accompanying the footage claimed the assassination was part of a Jedi conspiracy involving Padmé Amidala. "More proof for your own eyes of Jedi's little tricks. How can such powerful Force users not prevent this from happening unless they wanted it to happen? See what Padmé is doing with Jar Jar's skull? More Force machinations and trickeries no doubt," the statement said. The message also detailed an alleged, "intra-Force conflict" involving the Jedi Council and "unnamed factions many would rather keep in history."
Meesa too sexy for hairy Wookie planet...whatta th...aiiiihhhheeee!
When asked about the recordings Tarbeca replied, "Raugggghhhh woooo ummmmmmm urrrrrrrkk [I can not confirm or deny the existence of any such videos or vouch for their authenticity at this time]. Roooooooo rauuuu rauuugggghhhhhh rahhhhh [I can however remind the Galactic Media about the importance of avoiding unsubstantiated slander against public officials and royalty]. Uuuuuurkk raaaaa wooooooo hawwwww [We live in an age where a robot hand looks and acts like the real thing, how hard would it be to doctor some alleged video clips]?" When asked about Pandemonyous, Tarbeca stated, "Paaaakk wuuu wooooo raaaaa [Pandemonyous, or any other group who claims to have hacked into Galactic security drone protocols will be identified through Force meditation and prosecuted accordingly]."
Notice the beady eyes.
Tarbeca's statements about Pandemonyous brought immediate condemnation from renowned Gaming Wide Web expert Betrian Qualayen, "Pandemonyous is not a group. It is a name anyone can use on the Gaming Wide Web. The Kashyyyk Defense Force needs to avoid making statements about issues which they do not fully understand. Almost no one believes in the Force anyway, it is all done with nanomachines."
Sources have indicated that Kashyyyk Defense Force investigators have verified the recordings as authentic but are withholding this information until an official announcement on the status of the investigation can be made. Robo Press analysts have been able to independently verify the authenticity of the recordings.
The suspension of all space travel by the Kashyyyk Defense Force has drawn numerous criticisms from spaceship-rights groups. "Blocking space travel is in direct violation of the Galactic Charter and its adherence to the integrity of the individual rights of all Galactic citizens. Furthermore, the usage of an artificial gravity field generator to negate hyperspace flight is expressly forbidden except in military engagements sanctioned by the Galactic Alliance," said Riyec Kienaan, president of the Free Galaxy Coalition.
