Back in better times it was nothing but open roads, the occasional flaming wreckage, and dead bodies as far as the reticle could see.
G.U.F. CAPITAL CITY - The G.U.F. Congress have announced the creation of a special council to investigate the increasing levels of traffic throughout the gaming community. This announcement is in response to the results of the gaming traffic study conducted by the Coalition for the Betterment of Gaming Drivers (CBGD) which showed that traffic in games has increased by 102 percent in the last six years. "We have created this council to determine what impact, if any, increased traffic congestion has on our gaming society and environment. The enjoyment of our drivers and the lack of safety of our pedestrians have always been one of the primary concerns of the G.U.F. Congress. We are in control of the situation; we know what we are doing," G.U.F. Congressmember Ernocet Falitali told reporters on Wednesday.
An un-game-natural increase in traffic, known as "Accelerated Traffic Change," has long been suspected by many in the gaming scientific community which prompted the CBGD study. Scientists have been unable to agree on what has caused the increased gridlock in games, the most commonly accepted theory being a combination of the desire for more realism in games, lazy development practices, and the Koreans.
The G.U.F. Congress' omission of any intent to discover the cause of the increased traffic drew criticism from prominent conservative gaming organizations who believe the concerns over Accelerated Traffic Change are largely a propaganda campaign to promote the safety of drivers of smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles. "There is no information that the increasing levels of traffic are in any way un-game-natural," said Right of Gaming Center representative Wilfrin Csorjorky. "There has not been enough scientific data collected to attribute any change in gaming traffic emissions, I mean levels, to anything other than game-natural phenomenon. ... How do we know that this is not a game-natural event that happens every twenty years?" he stated.
Corporations opposed to the theory of Accelerated Traffic Change lambasted the decision to create the special council as political kowtowing. Big-Ass Armored Vehicles spokescreature Narrth stated that, "The decision to waste gametaxpayers money on a frivolous investigation to validate a myth based on anecdotal evidence is further proof that our gaming government has been taken over by special interests. It is the right of every gaming driver to have a big-ass armored vehicle that is capable of delivering crushing death and destruction to any and all pedestrians while keeping its driver in a safe, climate-cooled environment. We at Big-Ass Armored Vehicles believe that the occasional extermination of a driver who is stupid enough to drive too close to any group of pedestrians is a way of gaming life that is to be cherished and passed on to our surviving children. If you can't deal with the 27 percent mortality rate for gaming drivers then don't drive, and quite frankly, if you drive a hybrid you deserve to suffer whatever fiery death awaits you."
The reaction on the street to the special council announcement was far more subdued. "It is getting so bad around here that you can cross the street now without fearing for your life," five-time hip replacement and concrete-walker enthusiast Geoffry Ribald said. "Who wants to live in this kind of gaming world?" he commented.
A disgustingly safe pedestrian.
