CJ's Challenge to the World

Sometimes gaming characters have a message they want to get across and I am always willing to help for the right price.

CJ Speaks

Hello y'all. This here is Carl Johnson. I am speaking to you today about some important stuff that is affecting the world of gaming. Cause I am required by gaming law to have an assistant, this here is, uhhhhh, Bruce, uhhhh. Damn! What's your name again?

I am Brucie baby! Brucie fucking Kibbutz! I am all about...

Yeah that's great Brucie. Look everyone, for a long time...

Wait wait wait man! You can't just tell people about me without going into details about how great I am! Look at this body! You can't just ignore magnificent shit like this! The people need to know how I glisten! See how fucking shiny I am man?

Did I make you speechless bro? That shit always happens when people are around me. See, I have this aura that just makes people want me. Who doesn't want this! They can't get enough of me...

Take it to the max! Yea bro?

Whoa whoa. You need to excuse yourself man! This temple of gold is all about respect and shit and when...

Fuck you man! You need to shut the fuck up! This here is a granite VIP motherfucker!

Shut the fuck up. Or else.

Oh shit man! You are crazy! You are fucking crazy! Do you know who I am? I will...

(Draws and points gun at Brucie) Would you pleaseeeee shut the fuck up so I don't have to kill you in the face?

Take it easy bro! Relax! I am your friend man! I am on, your side! You are my bro...

(Finger over mouth) Shhhhhhhh. Think to yourself busta. To yourself.

I am all about quiet man.

Look everyone...again, for a long time the world of gaming has done things a certain way, the wrong way. I am talking to you now to raise awareness about overuse of stereotypical archetypes that are based on generally negative connotations, and shit like that.

See here what I am saying is that y'all got to mix it up. You know, be fair and shit.

I don't get what you are saying but I am the quiet bro.

Let me enlighten the dumber motherfuckers with some examples.

Let's take the gaming Indians. They live in modern worlds and fight against aliens and robotic dinosaurs and shit with futuristic guns and shit, oh, and they use bows. Why do they use bows? Cause their fucking Indians. And that's the way they are designed.

You fighting aliens and shit with rocket launchers and miniguns! And a bow! What the fuck are you using a bow for? You think I'm fighting some fucking alien I am going to throw a spear at it?

I don't know about you bro but with me that spear would be like a fucking rocket and this granite would be the fucking launcher! When I swell while using a bow those aliens would shit themselves! Imagine this flex facing you down bro! What would you do? Huh? Nothing! Cause this flex is unbelievable!

Hey bro, I am just trying to help you out! I am using my knowledge to help make your point.....what is your point bro?

The Indians! They are using bows!

Well...yeah. That's what they do man!

And that is the problem you stupid motherfucker! You inject that shit straight into your brain don't you?

You are not making sense man. You know what you need, some pussy.

(Taps on gun) Okay. Time for you to be quiet again. Big people talking.

I am the stealth bomber of quiet man. Like a giant, glistening, bomber. Fuck yea! I got a missile for any bitch in range! Max!

Let me give another example. Homosexuals in games. Why are they always so...ummm...gay?

That's what they do.

The gays. That's what they do. You know, be gay. Now me, I get checked out by a lot of guys like that but I am used to it...

Not gay like that stupid! Gay like, you know, flamboyant like.

But I don't mind them checking me out because it's me Brucie! Who wouldn't want a piece if this?

Now I know people want to be all inclusive and shit but the vast majority of homosexuals act just like you in me. Except for the fucking and stuff. So stop making them so, uh, flaming.

I have even had lesbians checking me out man! You know if I wanted to I could bring them back bro. Come back from the darkside ladies and come get with this!

I am not gay! I only look at those magazines to compare abs! It is strictly for research bro!

Whatever you say Brucie. Moving on.

Not gay man! Just happened once! Meant nothing bro!

Whatever Brucie. Let us talk about my people. We are always gettin fucked over. How about Barret Wallace? Wanted by the law and talks like you know who. He lost his hand, what do you think he replaced it with?

I have no clue who the fuck you are talking about bro.

A gun. Us black folk always got to have a gun on us somewhere. Might as well graft one on our bodies.

Awesome bro! You people are hardcore motherfuckers!

Sarcasm! It was sarcasm you walking roid! Just listen and learn. Augustus Cole always talks like he's playing some sport. Balrog, well look at that motherfucker.

I could take him man! He ain't seen nothing as ripped as this!

Balrog would crush your ass! Look at that motherfucker! That nigga is all street! You would have no chance bitch! None!

You should not disrespect this man. This...

And then they get cute and try and sneak it in like we wouldn't notice.

The shit I am talking about!

What are you talking about bro?

Listen motherfucker! Take Fran.

Fuck yeah bro! I would take that! I would show her what a real sword looks like! Boom! Feel my sword bitch!

At first you think, how exotic and eloquent she is. But then, she gets all mystical and tribal and shit.

She has rabbit ears bro! You know what rabbits fuck like bro? Rabbits!

And then you look at the way she is dressed.

I would wreck that bro!

She is dressed like a hooker. No, a super hooker.

Bro, what do you think her shit looks like man?

Her poop bro! You think it is all round like rabbit shit bro?

Like little brown and black ping pong balls bro! Just sitting there in a pile.

You're asking me if she shits ping pong balls?

Not ping pong balls man! They just look like them. You couldn't play ping pong with them cause they wouldn't bounce worth a shit, cause, you know, they are shit.

You could hit them with the paddle but they wouldn't make that "plock" noise like a ping pong ball bro, it would just be a "thuck" sound. And then you look down and fuck, the shit ball is stuck to your paddle! Or you are ripped like me and hit it good and it bounces once and then "thuck" again!

I need to meet this rabbit chick. I bet I am taller then her when I flex even when she keeps on those heels. And I would want her to keep them on when I am bringing out my sword bro! It would be like....

Time for you to shut the fuck up again.

Whatever man. I am so pumped right now I could fuck a horse man! You really want to get in my way? You think you can ride this bull?

..... (Shoots Brucie)

Ahhhhh man! What the fuck! You shot me bro! Ohhh, it hurts bad man. I think I am fucking dying man. Why did you shoot me man?

I can't help it. I was designed this way bitch.

I am dying man! Dying. Pussy around the world is crying. Brucie is on his way out!

I grazed you. Now shut the fuck up.

You shot me you cold-hearted fuck! And now I am dying. I am going to come back as an angel and kick your ass man...

(Shoots Brucie) Ooops. Finger slipped.

Ahhhhh! Why man? This shit hurts!

Now you need to be quiet Brucie. Go to sleep Brucie.

No way man. I am dying. You killed me man.

Quiet. Shhhhhhhhh. Nap time.

Dying...man. Dying...

And then they really fuck with us. Take Jolee Bindo.

Sure he is a wise Jedi master who excels not by using his brawn but his intellect and Force powers. And then they sneak it in.

I don't...sneak...anything in...so...huge...

Where does Jolee live?

Feel...my power...growing...

Oh, and how about the appropriately named Tyler Miles?

He is a cop. Drives a mustang. Did I mention he is a cop? Detective even.

Detecting...my huge...

Oh but what's this? Motherfucker has a girlfriend.

...white woman. Fuck yea...sword...

Y'all, I would like to thank for your time. And ask that you please consider doing the right thing. Mix it up people. Differentiate and shit.

I live bro. They can't keep me down.