Good evening and welcome to the Universe Wide Gaming News Network Update. I am Wu Zi Mu.
And I am Liara T'Soni. Tonight it is our pleasure to bring you updates of events happening across the Gaming Universe.
The Gaming Olympics has entered its seventeenth day and it looks like we are close to having a winner in the pull-up endurance competition. Let's go there live with special guest reporter and Gaming Pyramid winner Yuffie Kisaragi. Yuffie, how are you this evening?
Am I on? I am? I'm on! I'm on TV! Look at me, I'm on TV!
Yuffie? Can you hear us? It would appear we are having a connection problem. We will return to Yuffie at a later time.
Wait! I'm here! I can hear you!
Looks like we have established the connection.
Yuffie how is the pull-up endurance competition?
The what? Oh, the pull-up thing! Right, so, okay the two finalists are as expected Altair Ibn La-Ahad and Lara Croft. They have been at it for about 39 hours now and Altair is really starting to struggle.
That is interesting news Yuffie. The simulations I have studied indicate that Altair had been considered the prohibitive favorite in this competition. Is there any additional information that you can provide us that would provide insight as to why Altair is appearing to falter?
Uh, yeah, not really. The buzz is that Lara is just stronger than everyone thought. Maybe she milked her duds before she started, I don't know.
That is very interesting Yuffie. It was assumed that Lara's large breasts would have been a significant hindrance in this competition. But you say that the breasts have not seemed to have a negative impact on her performance?
Yeah, the puppies have been quiet. Her tight sweater seems to reduce bouncage to almost nothing. She still has to get some separation from the bar to get them over but she is just grinding along. I talked to the judges and they said her large jugs make her a lock to get a higher artistic score as well.
Fascinating! Millions of years of evolution has reinforced the belief that mammary glands on females, while serving vital reproductive processes, have been a natural detriment to the more physical survival aspects of biological creatures. It appears the hunter-gatherer roles have been reversed!
I see what you did there.
Yeah, whatever.
Can you give us an estimated time frame as to how much longer you think the pull-up endurance competition will last Yuffie?
Well Altair is really looking like crap right now. It doesn't help that he is dressed in that toga thing and I heard that he cut off one of his fingers or something like that.
That is correct Yuffie. Altair only has nine fingers.
Well I bet he is missing that tenth one now Woozie.
The finger was actually removed in a ritual indoctrination Yuffie. The space created by removing the digit allows a small, disguised blade to protrude and retract from the wrist. This blade can then be used effectively for several stealth combat techniques.
Uh huh, great. I could still take him. Anyway, I have been told that I should report...oh my GAWD!
Yuffie is everything okay?
I think I just saw...oh Gawd! It's Antonio Banderas! Antonio! Antonio! Over here!
Is there a problem?
Antonio Banderas! I love your work! I love your style!
I'm sorry. You have me confused with someone else. My name is Rico Rodriguez.
Antonio! Sign my shuriken!
Yuffie? Are you still there?
Looks like we lost her. Time to move on.
A special Gaming Congress committee has been established to determine the validity of a proposed gaming law that gives additional legal protection to vampires in gaming. Proponents and opponents of the measure are debating before the G.U.F. Congress at this time.
Lets peek in and see what's shaking.
The G.U.F. Congress designated suspect classes to be open to those who needed additional protections due to their unique nature. Vampires are inherently inapplicable for this designation because they are a predatory people who prey on the good people of Granas. They already have several advantages that allow them to manipulate and control the weaker creatures of this god-fearing world. By giving them suspect class designation you would be sending a message of barbarism and intolerance not seen since the reign of Valmar!
Shut up you stupid religious bitch! Where do you get off preaching about intolerance! Our people are outcasts from normal societies and treated like a bunch of blood-sucking animals!
You are blood-sucking animals!
Shut it! How would you like to not be able to gaze into a sunlit sky? How would you feel if a blessing burns off your goddamned face!
I think your people should still be able to enjoy these things. Maybe if you truly believe in the power of Granas and face the sun with this true belief in your currently black hearts Granas would restore your humanity to you.
Oh you would like to see us stand in the sun wouldn't you? You zealot bitch!
Please please! Can we keep the insults to a minimum and use more facts. This debate is freaking me out. I didn't want to be appointed to this post but what choice did I have? If I said no, then I'm screwed. But I said yes, and I am still screwed. I'm fucked! And all these vampires and religious wackos in the same building with me. Jesus Christ! Can everyone just calm down and argue with facts?
Those who hate us spread lies that slander are reputations. We are shunned by people we have never met!
They are not lies! Only truth! Praise Granas!
Bullshit! You say we stalk people and steal them away and change them into more of us. You make people think we prey on them!
That's what you people do!
We are born this way!
No you are not! It's a choice! And if you embrace Granas you can be saved!
It is not a choice! There is no way to change us back you stupid Granas-loving bitch!
Well it looks like that debate will be going on for quite some time.
The particulars of the measure are most intriguing Wu Zi Mu. I can see elements of truth on both sides.
A shame no one can see the value of a compromise.
In other news, our roving reporter Shion Uzuki is reporting to us from the planet Mars about the status of the UAC operations located there. Tell us Shion, how for along is the current UAC project?
...the luggage is gone you lost the luggage. I need my luggage my medication is in there. I really need my medication I do not do well in space and I just had an awful trip to get here and you need to get someone over there and find my luggage. The ship was dark and cramped and cold and the bathroom was the old sucking machines and I couldn't go properly because it was making me nervous and the ship was rocking and sounded like it was going to fall apart and now I am here and it is cold and there are all these strange men here. I cannot take this now. You need to find my medicine! My bipolar is acting up and I don't have time for this now. Please find my medicine! I can't think straight and I am on soon...
Shion? Hello. We are here.
Ahhhhh! I am sorry things have been hectic since I landed and things have been really disorganized on this end. I don't think everyone knew I was coming and uh, I had a report about the new gravity generators that are being deployed on Mars City and I made up some wonderful graphs and charts but it is all in my luggage and they can't find it. They can't find my luggage and I really need it now. I just...
Shion, have you been able to interview any of the UAC scientists about their new project?
What? Uhhh, no not yet. I am having real trouble concentrating right now. Things have been hectic and well there is this constant rumbling noise and it is making things real hectic and...
Shion before you left you spoke to me about your interest in examining the new artificial intelligence targeting routines on the Mars defense turrets. Have you been able to examine any of the turrets yet Shion?
Uh, yea, ummm no. I talked to some of the flight crew about the turrets and it appears the UAC have implemented some custom analysis routines that use dynamic particle, ummm, things have been really hectic since I landed and I'm sorry, sorry, I am having trouble concentrating right now. This rumbling noise won't stop it is really ummm, pervasive right now and I need my medication I think I need to go to sick bay and get something, I need something, now.
Looks like someone is having a bad day Liara.
(Loud rumbling noise) Ohhhhh! What is that!
Shion? We heard a loud noise that sounded like an explosion. Shion can you confirm this?
The rumblings have stopped. There was a big noise like boom and things have been real hectic lately. And now the noise is back! Why? Make the noise go away!
Shion can you tell us what is happening?
There are noises everywhere! And flashing lights! Ahhhhh! Gunfire! I hear gunfire! I don't want to die! I didn't want to come here!
Shion, please focus and tell us what is happening.
They lost my luggage and I had to pee in a suction cup! I hate space! Why? Why does this happen to me!
Shion please focus.
Shut up you! This is all your fault! You are to pretty to leave the desk! No one wants to see a plain-looking anchor person! You sent me to this hellhole and now I am going to die! I, I, I really need my medicine!
Shion if I recall you seemed quite eager to undertake this assignment. I think it would be best if you control your emotions and explain as much about your current situation as you possibly can.
I am smarter than you! But, but, they said I didn't have the look, they said...something is coming! They are coming! They are coming! They are coming! Ohhhhh, I don't want to die! I will see you in hell you squid-headed bitch! (Static noise)
Hello? Shion?
Looks like we lost the feed. Well this concludes Universe Wide Gaming News Network Update. We hoped you enjoyed your time with us and hope you tune in again. I am Wu Zi Mu.
...oh! Yes! Sorry. And I am Liara T'Soni. Goodbye.
