Good morning Ms. Princess Peach. Robo Press wishes to thank you for taking the time for this interview.
Please, call me Peach.
Affirmative, Ms. Peach.
No, please, just Peach.
Of course, Ms. Peach. Let us begin. The Mushroom Kingdom authorities have identified the one known as Mario as your suspected stalker. How does this make you feel?
Vindicated. I feel vindicated, and angry.
My sensors are indicating that you do not seem surprised that Mario has been arrested. Is this true?
I knew for a long time.
I would like to clarify your statement Ms. Peach. You possessed knowledge that Mario was your stalker?
Oh yes. I knew it was Mario.
I have recorded that you stated that you felt angry when Mario was identified as the detained suspect. Is this anger a result of your personal relationship with Mario?
No. We never had a personal relationship. I am angry because...
I must interrupt your talking Ms. Peach. My data banks indicate that you have had an extensive personal relationship with Mario for quite some time. My sensors do not indicate that you are attempting deception. Perhaps you are under the influence of some form of stimulant or depressant that may have altered your decision making process? Do you feel under the influence of some form of intoxicant Ms Peach?
What? No, no. I never had a relationship with Mario in any form other than as business associates. I never even liked him. I found him...
I will again interrupt your talking Ms. Peach as the information you have provided is in direct contradiction to several statements you have made regarding your relationship...
I was lying! It was fake! All of it! I faked liking Mario because it was best for the Kingdom. The people needed...
Error! Request for data needs addressing! Ms. Peach stated "the Kingdom." To which kingdom were you referring Ms. Peach?
Which kingdom? The Mushroom Kingdom! Where I live. Do they pay you for this?
Query ignored. Ms. Peach you did not finish your statement regarding why the people needed you to deceive them regarding a relationship with Mario. Would you please...
That is because you interrupted me!
Please do not interrupt the interviewer while the question to the interviewee is being formulated. Ms. Peach you did not finish your statement regarding why the people needed you to deceive them regarding a relationship with Mario. Would you please explain as to what the people needed?
(Sighing) The people, the people of the Mushroom Kingdom needed a hero, someone they could belive in. They needed someone to make them feel safe at night. Mario gave them that feeling. When they thought we were a happy couple they felt Mario had a vested interest in the safety of them, my subjects, the Mushroom Kingdom subjects, and that they would be safe. No harm would come to them.
Was Mario aware of this calculated deception on your part? Mario appears to have a limited vocabulary and may not have been aware of...
Don't you try and paint me as the villain! Mario knew I was not interested in him! He was no fool! He knew that I was in a compromised position and had to placate him as much as I could! He, he, used me! He forced me to pretend to be enamored with him to satisfy him, his needs. It was a game to him.
You do not seem to be responding to requests to not interrupt the interviewer so I will no longer make such requests. Please explain how you found Mario.
(Glaring) Found him what?
You stated (Replays Peach's voice) "What? No, no. I never had a relationship with Mario in any other form other than as business associates. I never even liked him. I found him..."
(Angrily) Disgusting! I found him disgusting! Are you happy now? He is a vile creature with no manners. He is foul, he, he, he has no manners. He smells bad. He does not respect any part of my people and our traditions.
You stated that Mario's odor offended you. Is this why you decided to pretend to have an interest in sexual intercourse with Mario as opposed to an actual interest to have sexual intercourse with Mario?
(Beet-faced) Listen you mindless piece of...! (Composes self) Just listen.
.....
Mario knew that the Mushroom Kingdom needed a champion, a hero. He also knew my feelings for him. He knew I did not have any love for him. But he pressed on. He knew I could not turn my back on him, we needed him, and he knew that.
This was all a game to him. The stalking, it was another game. He would do whatever he wanted and no one would stop him because they were afraid of him. They were afraid of what he would do, what would happen to the kingdom if we angered him. I was afraid...
.....
I think I need some time. I need to be alone for a bit, clear my thoughts. (Under her breath) I need a drink.
May I suggest a non-alcoholic concoction?
May I remind you of a few things you stated earlier in our conversation?
Yes of course.
You mentioned vindication and anger in regards to the identity of the stalker being Mario. You mentioned that stalking was another game. This would imply another game that Mario enjoyed playing. Please expound.
I would like to start by better explaining what I meant and what I have suffered through in addition to the stalking.
For many years Mario has been terrorizing me. He received satisfaction from watching me suffer, I think it was his way of punishing me for not being attracted to him. It was simple humiliation at first, he would ask me to do things beneath my station, like cleaning and the like. Things, escalated. The staking, the stalking was just another twist for his entertainment. I pretended to not know it was him, I think he knew that I knew, that I knew it was him. But he didn't care about that. It was all a game for him.
That was his mistake, the stalking. By pretending to not know his identity I was able to publicly ask for help and he could not punish me, I mean, he would punish me but it was there, out in the open, and in the end that is what brought him to justice.
Confusion! Mario was able to punish you in private with no threat of recourse but his stalking allowed you to notify authorities for assistance? Explain please.
It was a game! A sick, twisted game. He would not act like he was punishing me in private he would just ask me to do things that he knew I could not refuse!
What kind of things would Mario ask you to do?
Things. Things better left unsaid. I do not want to talk about that.
Please?
(Tearing up) No! Piss off! (Pauses, blushing) Excuse me. That was beneath me. I will not discuss those things.
Initial media reports indicated that the stalking was believed to have occurred for many months before it was publicly reported by yourself. Ms. Peach is this correct?
Yes, that is true.
Why delay such an action Ms. Peach? Did you like it?
It was the same as everything else. I needed to do it for the good of the Kingdom. But it became too much. He became too abusive. He could hide behind his disguise and sate every evil desire he had. It became, unbearable. (Crying openly)
Details?
(Sobbing) No. It is too much. He, he is a monster. A monster!
What did the monster do?
(Sobbing) He was incorrigible. He... (Unintelligible)
Please clarify. Where did the meatbag touch you?
(Sobbing) He... (Unintelligible) ...fire flowers.
Fire flowers? Please explain with details.
(Sobbing) The things he made me do with those fire flowers!
.....
(Sobbing uncontrollably)
Where did he put the fire flowers? In a bad place?
(Sobbing uncontrollably)
Pinky or stinky?
(Sobbing uncontrollably)
Your audio quality has degraded signifigantly. We shall now take a break.
You mentioned anger. Explain please.
I was angry at everyone. Mario, my situation, my retainers, myself. We were all so afraid of him, we did nothing. Until we had no choice.
You mentioned in a statement after Mario's arrest that you hoped "all those responsible" for your suffering would be punished in a court of law. Is this statement correlated to your statement on your anger?
I was under a lot of stress at the time I made that statement. I now know that I am as responsible as anyone for my plight. I needed to be more assertive and confident in the abilities of my own people. The Mushroom Kingdom needed a hero, and it should have been me, not Mario. It will be me, now.
So all is forgiven?
Yes I have forgiven all, except Mario. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive him. But not at this time.
So no major changes in your administration?
Oh no! I am still going to clean house. I said forgive, not forget. I need to become more proactive in the happenings of the Mushroom Kingdom and this is the first step.
So you will be replacing certain members of your staff?
I do not like to make such statements, but, yes.
Are you currently accepting applications?
What?
Are you currently accepting applications?
For what? You?
Affirmative.
You think I would hire you? You?
I will withdraw my request. I was unaware you were a racist.
What?
