Hello, world! This is Universe Wide Gaming News Network guest anchor Yuffie Kisaragi with a special interview of former Althena Green Party presidential candidate Jessica de Alkirk. We are going to cover a bunch of topics and stuff so everyone better pay attention because these girls may just go feral!
What? What the hell are you talking about?
It is just something I was required to say. So Jessica, tell me something about yourself.
Why would you be required to say that? And what kind of question is "Tell me something about yourself?". Are you a professional?
And the girl is getting feral already! Tell me something about yourself Jessica.
(Stirring) Stop saying that! What the hell is youir problem?
Tell me something about yourself Jessica.
(Stirring) Listen you little ninja...
Raaaawwwr! Bring the feral girl!
(Stirring, stares at Yuffie) ...
Girl gone feral! Yea! ... Yea.
Are you making fun of my heritage?
No no no. Not really, no.
Then why are you acting like such a dumbass?
They are one of our sponsors. I get a cut every time I say girls gone feral. Raaaawwwr! Girls gone feral!
How much am I getting compensated for allowing you to use my likeness?
Moving on Jessica. Tell us something about yourself.
(Simmering) I am getting irate. Does that count you stupid little creature? Say feral again, and you have a problem.
So I heard your presidential party dumped you on your butt. What is that about?
Your vapid question is not correct dumbass. It was agreed upon among leaders of the Althena Green Party that our goals would be best served by using my talents to further progress towards another one of our projects. Let me explain...
So you were fired?
No dumbass! I was reassigned for the good of the party!
I guess all those GameTube videos of you getting tased kind of crapped your credibility huh?
That was an excessive and unnecessary use of force that is indicative of the failed policies of the current G.U.F. Congress. The fact that my very public assault was made into some sort of farcical melodrama by some losers on GameTube who think making a video remix takes talent speaks more about them than about me. Would you not agree?
I think they are funny. I like it when you scream. Aiiieeeeeeeeeee!
(Simmering) You like watching people suffer? You think that's funny? It hurt like hell!
Bzzzzzzttttt! Aiiieeeeeeeeeee! Ha! Now I can't stop thinking about it! Ha ha ha ha!
(Seething) I hate you people.
Sorry. Sorry. (Snorting) I just can't...
Can we move on?
Yeah. Wa ha ha ha ha! You were shaking when they got you! You were...
(Simmering, stares at Yuffie) ...
Okay, okay. I'm good. (Snorting) No no, I'm good. I'm good.
As I said, the Althena Green...
Oh yea! Elena of Granas says the Althena Green Party is nothing but a front for a terrorist organization. Is that true?
(Sighs) Yes that is completely true, we are all terrorists. We also kidnap the children of rich people and eat them.
Huh. I did not know that. Elena also says you are a big attention whore who doesn't give a crap about anything but your own interests. She says that you should stop following your false god Althena and accept the true...
(Stirring) Blah blah blah blah. We are not here to talk about me; we are hear to talk about the need for immediate and radical changes to preserve our fragile gaming environment. Sure, I could waste time taking about Elena's need to drag her ginormous, stinky vag over everybody else's business but we are hear to talk about the issues, not her cavernous bag.
You talk a lot. I remember when you got zapped by...
(Whispering) I want to die.
Bzzzzzzttttt! Aiiieeeeeeeeeee! Ha ha! It's funny again!
Aooooooooo!
Settle down Chip.
Oh yeah, I forgot. Who is that?
I am glad you were able to momentarily overcome your incompetence to ask a valid question dumbass Yuffie. This is Chip, Chip is a zombie.
Ow, gross! A zombie! Someone kill it!
Uuuuuuuuuu!
No no no! Calm down Chip! Calm down. Calm...
Uuuuuuuuuu.
Good Chip.
Aren't you going to kill it?
No, Chip is a domesticated zombie who is here to help spread awareness about the problems facing the gaming universe ecosystem.
This sounds kind of important. Maybe you should talk about it more.
(Whispering) Dumbass. (Speaking normally) The Althena Green Party is a party dedicated to shedding a light on the rampant destruction of the gaming environment. Natural areas are being destroyed at an alarming rate which will make our universe unsustainable in the near future. Trees and plants are our friends, we need them to survive. That is why our party has adopted the belief that we need a controlled, widespread zombie apocalypse to bring about the necessary changes...
Whoa! Whoa! Did you say apocalypse? That is a big word. It sounds important. What is that about?
(Stirring) As I was saying...
Uuuuuuuuuu...brainnns...
(Tugs on zombie harness) Heel chip. Heel. Easy Chip.
Is that a leash? You have a pet zombie?
(Sighs) This is an animal training harness that has been modified for use on zombies. It enables me to safely and quickly discipline Chip should he try and do anything zombie-ish that I determine to be inappropriate.
(Snickering) You have a pet zombie. (Snorting) Do you have to take him for walks? Ha ha ha! That was pretty funny!
(Simmering, stares at Yuffie) ...
What do you do when he takes a poop on the rug? Do you rub his nose in it? But he can't smell! Ha ha ha ha ha!
(Simmering) The purpose of the harness is to ensure...
Does he try and hump your leg? Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Starts crying) I am crying! It is so funny!
(Simmering, stares at Yuffie) ...
So where do you buy zombie food? Is he allowed in the pet store? Or does he scare all the animals? (Snickers)
Well, like all zombies, Chip's preferred intake is the brains of the living.
Gross! You feed him brains?
There are many cultures who eat the brains of different types of creatures. It is a common and acceptable practice. Chip usually gets a mixture of roadkill brains and collagen. The collagen is especially important for keeping Chip's skin strong and malleable. Since he is an important point of awareness for the Althena Green Party we rub him with oils frequently so that he maintains his zombie sheen and mobility.
You lube zombies? Ha ha ha ha!
(Rolls eyes) Another important function of the zombie harness is to prevent any unfortunate incidents where Chip gets uppity and tries to eat someone's brain. Like yours for instance.
Uuuuuuuuuu.
Huh?
I was just saying that should Chip feel the need to suddenly dive across the table and latch onto your largely ancillary cranium and drive his fangs into the flaps of flesh around your skull as he attempts to crack open your head like an eggshell and begin to tear out chunks of your incredibly smooth brain the zombie harness would allow me to administer a slight disciplinary tug to prevent you from suffering a hideously painful and entitled death. (Tugs zombie harness)
Uuuuuuuuuu!
(Looks at Chip warily) I don't think he likes that.
It is quite alright my simple-minded acquaintance. (Tugs zombie harness) Chip has been thoroughly trained and domesticated by the Althena Green Party...
Uuuuuuuuuu!
He looks really pissed lady!
And I am telling you Chip, (Tugs zombie harness forcefully) has been trained, (Tugs zombie harness forcefully) and will not do anything, (Tugs zombie harness forcefully) unless I allow him to do so! Isn't that right, (Tugs zombie harness forcefully) Chip?
Uuuuuuuuuu! Uuuuuuuuuu! (Bites Jessica on the arm)
(Seething) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Son of a bitchhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd! Someone get a Hi-Potion!
No! No, everything is okay. I just need to discipline Chip for his bad behavior. (Repeatedly tugs zombie harness forcefully) Bad Chip! You were bad! Bad zombie!
Uuuuuuuuuu!
I really think you need a doctor or something Jessica.
No! I have to discipline Chip now or otherwise he will not know what I am disciplining him for! (Repeatedly tugs zombie harness forcefully) Bad Chip!
Uuuuuuuuuu! Uuuuuuuuuu!
(Seething) Don't you give me lip you goddamned zombie! (Punches chip in the face.)
Uuu...
Wow you popped him one! Right in the face!
This was not abuse! I repeat, to any and all watching that this is acceptable and recommended zombie disciplinary tactics! "A firm and direct striking of your zombie may be necessary if traditional disciplinary measures are unable to control your zombie's behavior." I am a licensed zombie handler and...
Why do you have a zombie anyway?
(Simmering) Haven't you been paying attention dammit! The zombie apocalypse...
Yea, there is that big word again. What is that about?
(Sighs, composes herself) A controlled and widespread zombie apocalypse will force society to adopt more environmentally friendly policies. In the long run this will save us all.
I don't get it.
Think about it! Everyone knows the laws of zombie congregation!
I don't.
That is because you are an idiot. The law of zombie congregation states that, "Zombies are inclined to migrate towards large populations for feeding purposes." This means that urban areas which have the most people will be the areas most likely to be overrun in a zombie apocalypse!
So?
(Simmering) So! This will force people to flee large urban population centers and relocate to smaller, more environmentally friendly communities.
You know, the cut on your arm doesn't look too good. It might be infected. Are zombie bites contagious?
The fear of extinction by zombies will also force urban planners to be more critical of projects which are damaging to the environment. Sure, cutting down those trees will allow you to put up another parking lot, but are you willing to accept that risk? Everyone knows zombies are faster on concrete than they are in forests...
Well, yea, I guess.
And in the forest zombies will make all kinds of nosies while they are crunching on leaves and scaring birds away, but in an urban environment, they are practically undetectable! You ever heard a zombie shambling up on you in a shopping mall?
They have zombies there?
Uuuuuuuuuu!
Sporting goods, dressing rooms, bathrooms, air ducts, kiosks, they could be anywhere!
Ahhhh! We should kill all the zombies!
No no! The zombies are the cure to all our problems. They...uuuuuuuuu...they...uuu...they will enable us to save ourselves!
Uuuuuuuuuu?
Are you feeling alright? You are looking kind of pale.
You want a big family, one you cannot really...uuuuuuuu...afford. The environment cannot afford it either but you have it anyway! Cause you are...uuuuuuuu...descendent from whores! But with the...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...brains...zombies around you think about it more. Is this extra child really worth it? (Eyes glass over) Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...
Uuuuuuuuuu?
La la la la la...oh...oh...ohhh well.
(Regains awareness) Do you really want to waste nine months growing a child and then dealing with all those doctor's bills when you know that any moment one of your kiddies could run around a corner and...uuuuuuuuuuuuu...get their brains eaten by a zombie? Is that a sound investment? Uuuuuuuuuu...
Uuuuuuuuuu!
I think you are turning into a zombie Jessica. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but, if you turn into a zombie, I am going to kill you. Now I like trees and everything...
(Simmering) Zombie bites are not contagious! And besides, I have been blessed by Althena which will protect me from any such ailments. I am not a brain-eating zombie and I am not going to become one! Uuuuuuuuu...brains...
Uuuuuuuuuu! (Begins humping Jessica's leg)
(Simmering, repeatedly tugs zombie harness forcefully) Ahhh! Stop it! No Chip! No! Bad Chip! Stop humping me!
I called this. I don't think he learned to do that by himself.
(Seething) Bad Chip! Stop! (Begins striking Chip) I do not have sex with zombies!
And now you are denying even more zombie loving. Oh, this is gross.
Uu! Uu! Uu! Uu! Uu! Uu! Uu!
(Boiling) Goddamn it! (Picks up chair) Die you goddamn leg-humping zombie! (Begins striking Chip with the chair)
Oh yuck! Zombie stuff is all over the chair! It is...oh! Chip parts are flying everywhere! Girl gone feral! Girl gone feral!
(Boiling) I told you not to say that! And it is called ichor you stupid...
Uuuuuuuuuu! (Bites Jessica in the leg)
(Boiling) Ahhhhhhhhh! Goddamn it! Goddamn it all to hell! (Continues to strike Chip with the chair)
Oh! He's got you again! He's taggin you all over!
(Boiling, continues to strike Chip with the chair) Die zombie! Die! I hate zombies! What the hell does a zombie have to do with saving a tree? I didn't want to do this! Burn in hell Chip! Burn in hell! (Chip falls to the floor unmoving)
And Chip is down!
(Breathing ragged, composes herself) I am sorry I had to do that Chip, but I think it...uuuuuuuuuuuu...brains...helps bring home the point of...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...
I think we are going to need some security in here.
No no. I am fine. I feel...uuuuuuuuuuuuu...fine. Let's continue to talk about...uuuuuuuuuuuu...your cute brain...
Security? Security? Where is my shuriken? Security!
Remember kids, always use your brain to the fullest...uuuuuuuu...extent of your abilities, they get nice and juicy...brains...soooo...hungry...
Security! You are full-on zombie lady!
No no. I am fine. Maybe need a little antibiotics, some brains, some chicken soup, chicken brains...brainnnnns...
Uuu...
(Boiling) Still alive you piece of zombie shit? Althena! Give me the power to stomp this zombie's ass! Die zombie! (Begins striking Chip with the chair) Die! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Die!
Goodbye world! Time to pick up my cut and get the heck out of here!
